Tag Archives: Patience

Islam Q&A – Does a husband have to be patient with his wife all the time and not divorce her?

We know that the wife of Nuh (as), and the wife of Lut (as) went to jahannam, may Allah protect us from his displeasure, amin. Is this evidence that brothers should patient with their wives all the time, and not divorce them? I have heard that the Messenger of Allah, (pbuh), divorced women. What is the difference between keeping a woman with bad behavior and counseling her, and getting rid of a woman with bad behavior?

Published Date: 2000-10-03 – IslamQ&A – https://islamqa.info/en/10613

Praise be to Allaah.

Undoubtedly the wives of Nooh and Loot (peace be upon them) will enter Hell with those who will enter it, but they did not commit any obvious sin that would imply kufr, otherwise it would not have been permissible for these Prophets to have remained married to kaafir women, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“… Likewise hold not the disbelieving women as wives” [al-Mumtahanah 60:10]

Perhaps the wife of Nooh was concealing kufr, or perhaps, despite the fact that Nooh had been calling people to Allaah for so long, she was influenced by the call of her people when she saw that all of her people were following kufr, so she became doubtful and wondered how he alone could be a believer when all of these people were disbelievers, and they formed the majority of their nation. So her kufr may have been secret. The same applies to the wife of Loot, of whom they said that her only sin was that she told her people about his guests, i.e., she called them to come and commit obscene actions with them. This was her sin, but it is possible that she was also a kaafir in secret. Hence Allaah said (interpretation of the meaning):

“… except his wife, she will be of those who remain behind” [al-‘Ankaboot 29:32]

This is a summary of the response given by Shaykh ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Jibreen, may Allaah preserve him.

It is permissible for a husband to divorce his wife so long as there is a shar’i reason for doing so, such as a lack of religious commitment, a bad attitude, lack of chastity, negligence, etc., even if she is not a kaafir. But if she is a righteous believer, let him keep her, even if he dislikes some of her characteristics, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said. It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Let not a believing man hate a believing woman. If he dislikes one of her attributes, he will be pleased with another.” (Narrated by Muslim from Abu Hurayrah, 1469).

When the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) wanted to divorce Hafsah, Allaah revealed to him: Go back to Hafsah, for she fasts a lot and prays a lot at night, and she will be your wife in Paradise. Al-Mundhiri said: this was narrated by al-Nasaa’i and Ibn Maajah. ‘Awn al-Ma’bood Sharh Sunan Abi Dawood, hadeeth no. 2283.

The husband has to strive to reform his wife and pray to Allaah to reform her. Allaah will reform a wife in whom there is some crookedness, if He wills, as He said concerning His slave Zakariya (interpretation of the meaning):

“… and [We] cured his wife for him…” [al-Anbiya’ 21:90]

Some of the mufassireen (commentators) said that she used to have a sharp tongue, i.e., her speech towards her husband was offensive, so Allaah reformed her.

A man may put up with the difficulty of keeping his wife in order to ward off a greater difficulty, which is that of separating the children and dividing the family. But if the harm caused by staying with one’s wife is greater than the harm caused by separating from her, there is nothing wrong with him divorcing her. And Allaah is the Source of strength.

Islam Q&A
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid

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THE FITNAH OF ‘SHAHAWAAT’ AND ‘SHUBAHAAT’

Excerpt from: “Ighaathatu’ Lahfaan fee Masaayid As Shaytaan”, Vol: 2 pg. 239-242

Ibn Qayyim Al Jawziyyah
(Translated by Hisham Assing)

The Fitnah of “Shubuhaat”

Fitnah is of two types: the fitnah of “shubuhaat”, {doubts and misunderstandings}, this one being the greater fitnah of the two, and the fitnah of “shahawaat” {desires}. It is quite possible that {these two fitnah} can be present in the abd {servant} at the same time, or one of them may be within him to the exclusion of the other.

Regarding the fitnah of shubuhaat {doubts and misunderstandings}, this is due to having a weak vision and a lack of knowledge, not to mention if this is accompanied by corrupt intentions and the goal of fulfillment of ones’ desires, and herein lies the greatest of all fitnah, this is indeed the worst of afflictions.

Say what you like about the deviation of evil motives, the dominant factor in such a person is his hawa {desires}, and not huda {guidance}, in addition to his weak vision and the lack of knowledge with which the messenger {sallahu alayhi wasalam} . Hence, he is like those whom Allah describes:

“They follow but a guess and that which they themselves desire, whereas there has surely come to them the Guidance from their Lord!” {An Najm:23}

And indeed Allah {subhaanhu wa ta’la} has informed us that the following of desires misguides one from Allahs’ path, He says:

“O Dâwûd (David)! Verily! We have placed you as a successor on earth, so judge you between men in truth (and justice) and follow not your desire for it will mislead you from the Path of Allâh. Verily! Those who wander astray from the Path of Allâh (shall) have a severe torment, because they forgot the Day of Reckoning”. {Sad: 26}

This is the kind of fitnah which leads to kufr and nifaaq {hypocrisy}, which is the fitnah of the hypocrites and ahl’il bidah {the people of innovation}, according to the degree of their bidah. Thus, the majority of them innovate because of the fitnah of shubuhaat {doubts and misunderstandings}, whereby they confuse the truth with falsehood and guidance with misguidance.

There is no salvation from this kind of fitnah except by exclusively following the messenger {sallahu alayhi wasalam} by appointing him as the judge in the fine {detailed} matters in the deen and its simpler ones, the public aspects of his life and the private one, his beliefs and his actions, his reality and his legislation, thus he takes from him {the messenger sallahu alayhi wasalam} the reality of emaan and the legislation of islaam.

He also accepts from him {alayhi as salam} what all he {alayhi as salam} has confirmed from Allah’s’ names, attributes and actions, and he does not negate them, in the same manner he accepts from him {alayhi as salam} the obligation of salah, its’ time and the number {per day}, the percentage of ones’ wealth on which zakat is due and those who deserve it, the obligation of wudu and ghusl {from sexual impurity}, the obligation of fasting in the month of ramadan, etc. Therefore, he does not see him {alayhi as salaam} only as a messenger in some aspects of the deen to the exclusion of others, but to the contrary he is the messenger for everything this ummah is in need of – be it knowledge or actions. So, he does not accept nor take {anything} except if it is from him {alayhi as salaam}, for the all guidance surrounds around his statement and actions. And everything which is outside of his guidance is dalaal {a deviation}. Thus, if this {principle} is implanted in the heart of the servant and he turns away from everything except this {the messengers’ prophetic guidance}, whereby whenever he judges anything he examines it in the light of that which the messenger came with, if it agrees with what he {alayhi as salaam} came with then he accepts it. And this is not because that particular person said what he said, but rather {he accepts it} because it agrees with the message {the sunnah}, and if it contradicts the sunnah he rejects it, regardless of whoever it came from. And this is what will save a person from the shubuhaat {doubts and misunderstandings}, and if he misses this {principle} then fitnah will afflict him in accordance to the degree he neglected this {principle}.

This fitnah is sometimes as a result of incorrect understanding, wrong information, the truth being confirmed and is present, but one was unaware of it so he was not able to get the most out of it, or sometimes it can simply be that a person has evil intentions and is just following his desires, thus he becomes from amongst those who are blinded in their vision and harbours evil in intentions.

The Fitnah of Shahawaat {desires}

Allah has indeed combined in the following ayat the description of those whom the two types of fitnah have befallen them:

“Like those before you, they were mightier than you in power, and more abundant in wealth and children. They had enjoyed their portion awhile, so enjoy your portion awhile as those before you enjoyed their portion awhile; and you indulged in play and pastime (and in telling lies against Allâh and His Messenger Muhammad ) as they indulged in play and pastime. Such are they whose deeds are in vain in this world and in the Hereafter. Such are they who are the losers”. {At Tawbah: 69}.

So Allah is pointing out to us here what happens from the corruption of the hearts and the deen because of taking pleasures in their portion {of this world} and indulging in {speaking about} falsehood, {and this is so} because curropting ones’ deen occurs either by falsehood and engaging in it, or by doing deeds which contradict correct action.

As for the first one; it is bidah and what results from it. And the second one is sinful actions. The first one {bidah} is consequence of shubuhaat, and the second {sinful actions} is an outcome of shahwaat. This is why the salaf used to say be aware of two kinds of people: a person of desires {innovator} whose desires has misguided him, and a person of this world (dunya people} whom this world has blinded him. They also used to say {the salaf}: be careful of the fitnah of evil scholar and the ignorant worshipper, for indeed their fitnah afflicts everyone who is misguided. The source of {all} fitnah is a consequence of giving precedence to opinions over what Allah has legislated, and preference of desires over intelligence. Thus, the basis of the first fitnah is shubuhaat and the basis of the second one is shahawaat.

The Cure for These Two Fitnah

As for the fitnah of shubuhaat this can be prevented and cured by possessing “Al Yaqeen” certainty, and fitnah of shahawaat can be fended off and remedied by “As sabr” patience. This is why Allah made leadership of this deen by possessing these two qualities, hence He says:

“And We made from among them leaders, giving guidance under Our Command, when they were patient and used to believe with certainty in Our Ayât”. {As Sajdaah: 24}, thus this indicates that by having patience and certainty one achieves leadership in this religion. Allah has also interlined these two characteristics in surah Al Asr wherein He says: “Except those who believe and do righteous good deeds, and recommend the truth to each other and recommend one another to patience.” {Al Asr: 3}.

Therefore, advising each other in truth repels “shubuhaat” and recommending patience to each other restrains one from his desires. So by having patience and a sound intellect {this} restrains one from the fitnah of “shahawaat”, and by possessing a clear vision and certainty {this} repels the fitnah of “shubuhaat”, wallahulmusta’an.

THE STAGES OF CRAFTING POSITIVE MUSLIM IDENTITY IN CHILDREN

ORIGINALLY POSTED ON SISTERS-MAGAZINE – https://www.sisters-magazine.com/2016/01/15/the-stages-of-crafting-positive-muslim-identity-in-children/

In this special post to SISTERS online, Nazir Al-Mujaahid of Outstanding Muslim Parents offers some of his best parenting advice.

raising islamic kids

How would you answer the question, “Who are you?”

Some people would define themselves through their profession, for example, a doctor or a teacher. Others may define themselves by their cultural background, such as Arab or American. Other still may simply say, “I’m only a mother”. Many times, how people describe themselves is a reflection of how they feel about themselves and in the case of our children, we want them to radiate high self esteem and feel incredible about who they are!

The challenge of crafting an identity and strong personality in our children isn’t as difficult as it sounds if you start early. Think of yourself as a farmer. No, not the kind that toils in a field which is essential to healthy eating, but one that toils something more precious because the soil is more valuable. I want you to till your children’s brains and how they view themselves.

As parents we see how verbal abuse can damage a person’s perception of themselves and how bullying damages a person’s self-esteem. We can engage our children by building them up. Always remember that there are two ways to have the tallest building, one is to build it strong and tall and the other is to tear down all the other buildings around it.

I advise you to tell your child how beautiful and intelligent they are over and over keeping in mind that repetition is the mother of learning. It doesn’t matter the stage that your child is in, just try it. In Stage One (1 – 7 years old), Stage Two (8 – 13 years old), or Stage Three (Teenagers), they love to hear compliments and praise, even if they act like they don’t. As a mother or father, is it true that we enjoy hearing compliments? It helps us to feel appreciated and strengthens our iman, insha Allah reminding us to be grateful to Allah (SWT) for that blessing.

Stage One

Let’s take little Aisha for example. She’s in Stage One at 5 years old. Being young she imitates her mother and plays with her headscarves. She tries them on, prays while wearing them, and she looks so cute! One of the best things you can do when for a young child who is exploring hijab (or anything positive) is to compliment her. Tell her how beautiful she looks and how she is obeying the command of Allah (SWT) by praying, and include other compliments you can give, which when coupled by hugs and/or kisses creates a strong healthy positive neuro-association in their brains.

A great way to help our children cement their belief is for you to talk to others about them in a positive way where they can hear you. For example sharing with a friend, relative, or spouse you may say how Aisha is so intelligent because she figured out how to complete a math problem or how she’s so creative and artsy because of a drawing she made. This helps breed confidence and before our children know what to think, they borrow our belief in their self until they fully exude it. I call this “planting seeds” which is the most important part of farming because without a seed there is nothing to cultivate and absolutely no harvest.

Stage Two

Our children’s sphere of influence grows rapidly when they turn school age and are around others who have different experiences. In Stage Two (8 – 13 years old), as they have more exposure and use the internet, they have already formed opinions and perceptions. Now that we are planting seeds we must cultivate those seeds by making sure they are properly fed, watered, and allow the sunshine to reach that soil. Constantly reminding our children of their intelligence, beauty, and at the same time challenging them to stretch themselves by doing more or learning more is part of that cultivation. Allow them enough independence to make mistakes and learn from them while understanding that they are children and not little adults in Stage Two (8 – 13 years old). Letting them dress themselves as they desire, teaching them to make up their beds, clean their rooms, wash the dishes, and understand that doing chores is a part of the first great team they are a part of and it’s called family.

We must remember that the difficulty with parenting lies with the fact that there is constant conflict with other forces outside of our control, whether it be relatives that don’t share your values, people that don’t share our Islamic beliefs, or the media that makes all kinds of filth look attractive. The sad reality is that by the time a child is 18 years old, they have seen an average of 200,000 acts of violence including 40,000 acts of murder on various media, which can have a profound impact on human psychology.

In every stage of our children’s growth, planting and cultivating is a never-ending process and is essential to the way our children grow their personalities. I’m sure you have recognized that your children have their own personalities along with their list of likes and dislikes which may differ from ours. I use a personality test that I feel is one of the best tools I’ve seen when it comes to human psychology and it’s free to use! It’s called the Briggs-Meyer’s Personality Test and I think everyone should take it in order to discover their personality type. When you understand yourself at a deeper level, it will help with all of your relationships especially with your spouse and children. Children 8 years and older can also take the free test at the link at the end of this article.

Stage Three

In Stage Three (teenage years) is when we begin to reap the harvest of our actions or inactions. During the early teen years as our children’s bodies develop and they go through puberty is when there tends to be a lot of emotional uncertainty due to hormonal changes as they transition through the process. We must be that much more strategic in our praise by reminding them of successes they’ve had and lessons they’ve learned from things they may have failed at. In the Coach role, we build them up and continue to support them on their road to independence.

One thing we must do as Muslims is to infuse the lessons we have learned from the Seerah of the Prophet (SAW) and from the Qur’an. If we only focused on our children’s psychology without infusing our Islamic beliefs then we are doing our children a disservice. Reminding our children of the jealousy of siblings we can share the story of Prophet Yusuf (RA) or when dealing with children’s stormy relationships with their fathers we can share with them the story of Prophet Nuh (RA) or Prophet Ibrahim (RA).

Reminding our children of how the Prophet (SAW) was slandered and boycotted, and how even his near relatives despised him during his da’wah can help our children hold Islam as relevant today as opposed to simply historic events. Teaching our children of how his patience was rewarded is also essential.

We must also balance the amount of times our children hear the words “no” and “don’t” with the amount of yes’s they hear. It’s estimated that children hear 148,000 no’s and don’ts before they are grown, and most of those happen when they are very young. If we simply celebrate them when they are doing something right or we tell them “yes” to counteract the feeling that so many things “can’t be done” then we take a huge step in creating balance and helping our children’s growth instead of stunting it. This also helps them to not feel that Islam is all about haram instead of halal.

Being a farmer and focusing on your crop by implementing these techniques over time can help you raise psychologically sound children with a strong sense of identity who are at ease in their personality. So that when your child is asked, “Who are you?” they can confidently respond that they are a Muslim who is intelligent, beautiful, happy, proud, or fill in the blank with any positive traits that fits their personality.

*Resources: Take the quiz at http://16personalities.com

Nazir Al-Mujaahid is the author of Muslims Parenting on Purpose Vol. 1 and founder of OutstandingMuslimParents.com. He has been married over 20 years and is raising nine children ranging in age from 20 yrs to 6 months. Nazir has utilized his entrepreneurial, leadership, and human psychology knowledge to build a dynamic family especially focusing on relationships and child rearing. This led to others asking how they too can put a family plan in place which eventually led to designing and host the Outstanding Muslim Parents Television show and parental training products and workshops.