Tag Archives: Gary Chapman

The importance of identifying your own mistakes…

“In all of my counselling, I have never seen a couple in which both were not at fault to some degree. One may have committed the overt act of adultery or lived an egocentric lifestyle with little concern for the needs of the spouse, but the spouse also had failures. It is easy for us to identify the failure of our mates, but more difficult to admit our own. I have often given individuals a sheet of paper and asked them to list the faults of their spouses. They will write profusely for ten or fifteen minutes. Some have even asked for more paper. The lists are magnificent and detailed.

When I ask them to make a list of their own faults, they immediately list their one big fault. That is followed with a long period of silence as they try to think of number two. Some never find it, and seldom has anyone come back with more than four personal faults. What does that tell us? That the spouse really is the problem? Hardly, for each spouse has a grand list of the other’s faults. It tells us that we tend to see ourselves through rose-coloured glasses. Our faults do not look very big to us because we are used to them, we attribute the real problem to our mates’s behaviour…

Failures come in two basic areas. First we fail in meeting the needs of our partners, and second we fail by doing and saying things that actually are designed to hurt them. We fail to do what we should do for them and end up doing what we should not do toward them. Certainly it was not our desire to fail. We had dreams of making our mates supremely happy, but when our own needs we’re not met, we became cool and later hostile.”

Gary Chapman: Hope for the separated




We all want to be loved and know what that love means to us and would look like practically if we we think about it deeply enough. We also assume before marriage that others wish to be loved as we want to be loved, in the same way as ourselves.

Then the arguments started…

The truth is the way we want others to show us affection in our marriage is not always the same as they wish us to show them affection and that understanding these different love languages, becoming fluent in the love language of our spouses is one of the easiest ways of pleasing them and being good to him or her.

the Prophet (Sallallahu alayhi wa salam) said: “The most perfect of the Believers in faith is the best of them in character and the best of you in character is he who is best to his family.”

Reported by Abu Hurayrah and collected by Ahmad and Tirmidhi and authenticated by Shaykh al-Albani in Sahih Sunan at-Tirmidhi

Though written by a non-Muslim, ‘The 5 Love Languages’ by Gary Chapman is one of the best books I’ve seen written on this subject and something every Muslim couple should have on their book shelf.