Tag Archives: Bent-rib

Imam Ahmed ibn Hanbal’s advice to his son on his wedding day

Dear son, you will not attain good fortune in your home except by 10 characteristics which you show to your wife, so remember them and be enthusiastic in acting upon them.

As for the first two; women like attention and they like to be told clearly that they are loved. So don’t be stingy in expressing your love for your wife. If you become limited in expressing your love, you will create a barrier of harshness between you and her, and there will be a decrease in affection.

3. Ladies hate a strict, overcautious man, yet they seek to use the soft vulnerable one. So use each quality appropriately. This will be more appealing for love and it will bring you peace of mind.

4. Ladies like from their husbands what their husbands like from them, i.e. kind words, good looks, clean clothes and a pleasant odour. Therefore, always remain in that state.

5. Indeed, the house is under the sovereignty of the woman. While she remains therein, she feels that she is sitting upon her throne, and that she is the chief of the house . Stay clear of destroying this kingdom of hers and do not ever attempt to dethrone her, otherwise you will be trying to snatch her sovereignty. A king gets most angry at he who tries to strip him of his authority, even if he portrays to show something else.

6. A woman wants to love her husband, but at the same time she does not want to lose her family. So do not put yourself and her family in the same scale, because then her choice will be down to either you or her family. And even if she does choose you over her family, she will remain in anxiety, which will then turn into hatred towards you in your daily life.

7. Surely woman has been created from a curved rib, and this is the secret of her beauty, and the secret of the attraction towards her. And this is no defect in her, because ‘the eyebrows look beautiful due to them being curved’. So if she errs, do not rebuke her in a manner in which there is no gentleness, attempting to straighten her; otherwise you will simply break her and her breaking, is her divorce. At the same time do not let her off upon that mistake, otherwise her crookedness will increase and she will become arrogant with her ego. Thereafter, she will never soften for you and she won’t listen to you, so stay in between the two.

8. It is in the women’s nature to be ungrateful towards their husbands and to deny favours. If you were to be nice to her for her whole life but you grieved her once, she will say, “I have never seen any good from you”. So don’t let this attitude of her make you dislike her or to run away from her. If you dislike this feature of hers, you will be pleased with some other good habits within her, so create a balance.

9. Surely there are times when a woman goes through some conditions of bodily weakness and fatigue of the mind. Such that Allah has relieved her of some of her compulsory worships during that period; Allah has totally pardoned her from praying, and has postponed the days of fasting for her within this break to a later date until she regains her health and becomes normal in her temperament once more. Thus, during these days, treat her in a godly manner. Just as Allah has relieved her of the duties, you should also lessen your demands and instructions from her during those days.

10. Last but not least, know that a woman is like a captive with you. Therefore, have mercy upon her.

From Tafseer Rahimi

‘FEAR ALLAH IN DEALING WITH YOUR SPOUSES’

A’ishah (RadhiAllahu ‘anha) reported that He (Sallallahu alayhi wa salam) said:

“The best of you is he who is best to his family, and I am the best among you to my family.”
Collected by Tirmidhi and ad-Darimi, and Ibn Majah from Ibn Abbas, authenticated by Shaykh Al-Albani in Sahih Sunan at-Tirmidhi

He also instructed men concerning women in his farewell address given at the time of his last pilgrimage to Mekkah:

“Fear Allah in dealing with your women because you have taken them in your trust by Allah’s permission and sex with them has been made lawful to you by (your mention) of Allah’s name in (your marriage ceremonies).”
Recorded in Sahih Muslim

Both partners in marriage should treat one another in a kind fashion in order to maintain a harmonious atmosphere in the home. The husband need not exercise his authority in a rough or arrogant way which might encourage the wife to react by being intentionally disobedient. The Prophet (Sallallahu alayhi wa salam) said,

“Whoever believes in Allah and the last day should not hurt his neighbour and should admonish women in a good way for they have been created from a rib and the most crooked part of the rib is its upper part. If you try to force it straight, it will break; if you leave it alone, it will remain crooked. so give advice to women accordingly.”
Recorded in Sahih Bukhari

This is, due to a woman’s fragile emotional make-up which is ideally suited for child rearing but generally unsuited for ultimate authority, she may wrongly disobey or contradict her husband. Under the influence of her monthly cycles, she may be contrary or high-strung and this make bad decisions or unreasonable statements. This is a fact of life which men must allow for and deal with gracefully and not harshly. Regarding the aspect of harmony in married life, Allah has said,

“… Live with them [Women] in equity…”
Quran translation, Surah an-Nisa, 4:19

It is important for man and woman to live together in friendship and harmony, bearing the misfortunes or calamities which might befall one or the other or the family as a whole. It goes without saying that a woman should happily and peacefully fulfill her obligations to her husband, keeping in her mind the fact that she is basically an equal partner sharing rights and obligations with her man. Allah expressed this fact as follows:

“…And women have rights corresponding to the obligations on them, according to what is equitable…”
Quran translation, Surah al-Baqarah, 2:228

Taken from pages 28-30, ‘Polygamy in Islam’ by Jameela Jones and Sheikh Bilal Philips